Working with teen girls, it’s bound to happen. The only thing that suprised me was that it took five weeks of teen girls’ group for the topic to really come up. You know the drill: one girl mentions her bad reputation for giving all the boys in the neighborhood head. Next thing you know I’m flashing back to a bad Lifetime movie about a syphillis outbreak in a junior high.
My coworker and I decided the girls needed The Talk. We just didn’t realize how desperately. How can a person go through life with a vagina and yet know so little about it? These girls are having sex. I can’t imagine how they know where to put all the assorted body parts.
We worked on dispelling myths. I say “worked” because it was, in fact, hard work. An uphill battle. These girls have beliefs, and they don’t want to let them go. The biggest struggle was getting them over the idea that the vagina is some type of Stretch Arsmtrong-like novelty item, that starts off tiny and expands with each new sexual experience.
The sad part is, they think this because “it hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. Isn’t it?” They’re not enjoying the sex they’re having. They’re not getting anything out of it. They’re uncomfortable, and insecure. They’re having sex because their friends are, because the boys they’re dating will leave them otherwise, and they’ve been brought up to think that losing one’s virginity is an inevitable, unpleasant experience.
It takes a lot to change that. In our ninety minute meeting, we at least wanted to make sure they were safe. Some of my favorite things I learned:
- The hymen is essentially a binding contract. Every girl has one, and it can only be broken by a penis.
- If your parents want, they can take you to the gynecologist who will tell them whether or not you are a virgin.
- Tampons can strike a nerve inside you, leading to instant death.
- Anal sex is actually pronounced “annul sex.” You might know it by the technical term, “in the bootyhole.”
- Pulling out is a 100% effective form of birth control, because a girl can only get pregnant if a boy evacuates inside her.
How does one respond to these things, you might ask. Let me share some of my favorite quotes. These are things I never thought I would have occasion to say:
- “You can put lots of things in a vagina.”
- “If your stomach hurts and your leg cramps up, you should probably try something else.”
- “How about money? People have sex for money.”
- “It’s pronounced ‘ejaculate.’ EJACULATE! You know what, we’ll just say come.”
- “Yes, that’s correct, in the bootyhole.”
Well then. If anybody needs me, I’ll be driving around the Bronx with a bullhorn, an anatomy book, and an air canon filled with condoms. Play safe, guys.