You’re in big trouble, mister.

9 09 2013

Children are great. I mean, they are the future. They’re made of sugar and spice and shit. They give your life meaning. At least, that’s what people tell 29 year olds who haven’t gotten around to procreating yet.

Kids are delightful, and adorable. But they’re also difficult. You have to teach them eeeeeverything. They always get it wrong at first. This might sound harsh, but it’s true. Potty training, shoe tying, not leaving Lego on the floor…honestly it takes forever. But eventually they get it, and you both get to feel an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment that the childless can only dream of.

Then the kid smacks you in the face and laughs.

Discipline. It’s not easy. But there are ways to not be terrible at it.

There are more than two options, for starters. From what I hear from lots of people, you are either whipping your child with an extension cord while she kneels on rice (I’m sorry, I know it’s “cultural,” but that is sadistic and a waste of a good starch) or letting them run the streets, pick their own bedtime, and asking them if they need a timeout for doing heroin at the kitchen table.

You are allowed to discipline your kids. You’re even allowed to spank your kids. Parents have given their toddlers a swat on the butt while I was in the room, even. It’s ok. If you’re resorting to spanking when the kid is a teenager, something’s gone wrong, and you’ll find it not working and pretty weird, but still.

You are allowed to discipline your kids. You’re not allowed to beat your kids with objects. You’re not allowed to leave marks and bruises. I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again because it never seems to get through and I will get at least one comment complaining about how you’re not allowed to discipline your kids. You’re allowed to discipline your kids.

A lot of the parents I work with got hit as kids. When they’re really honest, they acknowledge that it wasn’t a whole lot of fun, or particularly effective. But they usually say it was just what they needed. “I was running the streets at 14, fighting and getting arrested, so yeah my mother beat me.” Good point. But she’d been beating you since you were two, and this behavior didn’t stop until you were 23, so…

Parents we work with usually recognize that they need to stop hitting their kids. Because it’s gotten out of control, because the kids have outgrown it, because they don’t want another case, whatever. Learning new ways isn’t easy, though.

Before you ask, no, I don’t have kids. But outside perspective is valuable. Sometime you get so caught up in the day to day battles (we’re all picking those battles, right?) that you need a reminder. Also one taken groups of fifteen to twenty adolescents to the mall and the zoo, by myself, and never lost one. So I do know some things. And sometimes, people just have to be open to common sense.

I work with teenagers who have been “grounded” for months. It either starts out way too harsh–you came home at 4:15 instead of 4? No leaving the house for two months!–or it starts out reasonable and time gets added on. “Oh, you rolled your eyes at me? That’s three more weeks!” It gets to a point where the kid an the parent can’t remember what the kid did wrong. It’s just the status quo–this person is only allowed to go to school and come home. At that point, this is not an adolescent, it’s a maximum security prisoner with nothing left to lose. Parents ask me all the time, “well, she’s already not allowed to do anything, so what am I supposed to take away?” Hmmm…perhaps this is the problem?

Time outs and sticker charts get a shitty reputation. A time out is “soft.” It’s not real discipline! Who cares about sitting in a chair for a few minutes? People who say this, of course, have never seen a three year old attempt to sit for THREE WHOLE MINUTES.

The thing that really gets me, though, is that parents try to get too creative. There’s usually a reason you tell your kids to do something. Leave your sidewalk chalk outside? Yeah, it probably won’t be in good shape tomorrow. Insist on fighting sleep? Ok, you’re gone be hella tired when I still get you up on time for school tomorrow. Refuse your coat? Oh yeah, it IS cold out now that you mention it. You want to lay on the sidewalk and have a fit instead of walking with us? Ok, bye! My my my, but you caught up quick.

Obviously this doesn’t work with lessons like staying out of the street, or that Windex is not as delicious as it looks, but natural consequences go a long way.

So does treating kids like functioning humans. If you want to do something, you have to earn it. It’s a valuable skill to teach your kids. A friend at a 30th birthday said out loud, “I’m going to eat some salad, that way I can have chips.” Don’t you think it all the time? “I’ll clean the bathroom, then I can watch Orange is the New Black before everyone on Twitter reveals all.”

No, your social worker doesn’t know all. There’s no magic discipline cookbook, or everyone would follow it and we would bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles. You know your kid best. But if what you’re doing isn’t working, it’s best to at least be open to suggestion. Sometimes we make sense, even if we don’t have kids.





They both pee where they’re not supposed to, and both need to be crated at times.

28 06 2012

I don’t have kids. I’ve said it here before, because, as we all know, it matters to some of our clients. I maintain that it doesn’t really matter. Not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t know kids. It doesn’t mean you’ve never taken care of a child, or have children in your life who you love dearly.

But there are some things you can’t entirely understand. One is the feeling of loving someone more than anything, knowing what’s best for them, and sending them out into the world to make mistakes. Another is everyone in the world thinking they know how to parent your child better than you do.

That last one, I can kind of relate to. Ever since I got a dog.

Now, I have no intention of becoming one of those lunatics who refers to myself as my dog’s mommy, or tells people I have a six month old, or requests maternity leave when I bring a pet home. But the fact remains that there are some similarities to life with a dog and life with a baby. I say things like “It’s not time for dinner yet” to someone who doesn’t speak English, my boyfriend and I regularly discuss the timing and location of poops, I feel guilty leaving him at day care, I show coworkers pictures of him doing cute things, I do way more laundry than I thought possible, and I have someone to blame all weird household smells on.

Also, everyone else is an expert.

I admit that I don’t know a whole lot. So I turn to the source of all modern knowledge, the great and powerful Oz Google. (It’s how Jenny McCarthy cured autism, you know.) And right away I’m confronted with guilt. “Your dog is exhibiting signs of separation anxiety. First of all, stop getting angry at him. Think of it from his perspective. He just wants to be with you.” What kind of an asshole do you think I am, Mr. Google? I already feel bad! That’s why I’m here. “If your dog has an accident in the house, do not rub his nose in it.” Yeah, I’m not the mean dad from The Wonder Years. I got it.

There’s also the confusion. To address separation anxiety, we must teach the dog that it’s ok to be away from us. Leave the room, and encourage him to stay behind. To ensure that your dog is entirely housebroken, DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR A MOMENT! You must be right there to interrupt any and all accidents. If you miss one, you have no one but yourself to blame. But stop following him around, you’re making his anxiety worse!

There’s little consensus on what you should be doing to raise a happy, healthy dog. This person says you need a choke collar. That person says they’re damaging. Everyone has an Invisible Fence, so that seems like the way to go. Except this expert says that’s a move for lazy assholes. Apparently we should feed him fresh chicken once a week? Oh wait, only if we want terrible things to happen to him. Dog food or no food! Crating is good. I mean bad. I mean no more than six four hours?

Then there are people on the street with helpful advice. “You should praise him when he does something good. Give him a little treat.” Well, you should write a book. ” “Tap him on the nose with a newspaper.” Again, is it the 50s? Who has a newspaper? “It’s important for them to socialize.” With your yippy, feral, biting machine? No thanks. “He’s so skinny. Maybe you should feed him more.” Was that on Animal Planet?

I know that if I mention anything about how we train or care for the dog, someone will disagree and be able to tell me how I’m irrevocably harming him. I mean, his treats aren’t locally grown or organic, so they’re probably right.

This is a fraction of what new parents are faced with. If you’re single, a teenager, or a father, forget it. Obviously you know nothing.

Most people seem incapable of determining what a “safety issue” that requires intervention really is. Parents playing a round of Baby Tetherball is dangerous. An infant being bottle fed in public is not.

Other young parents have a million must-haves for an expectant mother. “How many Boppys do you have? You got the Bumbo as well, right? Those are amazing. Just don’t leave the kid unattended, or she will die instantly. Also get the vibrating chair. And a walker, but if you put her in it too soon she’ll become bowlegged and hate you forever. Which breast pump are you getting? Why are you getting all those bottles? You will be breastfeeding, right? Only breastfed humans have gone on to happiness and success, it’s scientifically proven. You also need the video monitor! Obviously you won’t have any blankets or anything in her crib, but you need this too, so you can make sure she’s breathing all night.”

OK, Babies R Us cashier. Can we just finish checking out and get back to being strangers?

The generation that raised us is great for making new parents feel stupid. “Ok, I didn’t have six special chairs for you before you could sit up, or a baby monitor, but sure, that’s a necessity” as the eyes roll. It’s true, but at some point things change and we need to deal with it. I don’t hear any of those grandmothers pining for the days of outhouses or maxi-pads with belts, so we need to accept some progress.

And some of those innovations are ridiculous, of course. Wipe warmers spring to mind. No baby has ever died of Chilly Tush Syndrome, so I think we would be fine without one. But we have to consider it from the point of view of someone who is excited to be expecting a child, and is then confronted with everything that will go wrong and kill your baby. SIDS is everywhere! You’re probably passing along pertussis through hugs! But vaccinations cause autism!

Everything a pregnant woman or a person with a baby does seems to be up for debate. Most of my clients don’t have the luxury of a million different items to make their lives more convenient, or even to make their child’s life a bit easier. But they certainly get to enjoy everyone on the planet telling them how they could be doing things better.

Many moms, especially young ones, get it from their mothers or grandmothers. Not that they don’t appreciate the help, but they want it to be clear who the parent is. They get it from their friends who have been through it. They hear it from politicians who talk about single and teenage mothers receiving welfare as the latest sign of the apocalypse.

And of course they get it from us.

We don’t want to be that way. We try really hard not to undermine parents, assume they don’t know basic, obvious stuff. We even get a bit defensive when it seems that clients assume that we’re like this. But the fact that they expect us to be hypercritical makes perfect sense. We need to remember that we’re the latest in a long line of people who seem to think that they know better, and how annoying and frustrating that is to deal with.

Because honestly, I know my dog is too skinny.